I Chose The Right Friends

I Hope He Hates Her

As Long As I am Alive

The actions of every girl everywhere could be explained by "she's just jealous."  So like.... "Carly is allergic to cheese" WELL SHE'S JUST JEALOUS.

I never did read The Witch of Blackbird Pond.

I Guess I'll B Seein Ya

This is the final entry in my 6th grade diary.

Jane Doe was my older brother's girlfriend.  I always had girlcrushes on his girlfriends.  I told myself it was because they were like the older sister I never had, but seeing it in the light of day, out of the darkness of the closet (!), they were also plain old crushes.  I REALLY wanted these girls to like me.

Often times I'd make proclamations that I knew weren't true but I wanted to be, like here I pretend to be done with caring what other people think about me.  I'm not sure where I thought I'd "B seein" my journal around .. at school?  in town?  I was probably just trying to sound grown up by stealing break up language I'd heard on TV.  It's not you journal, it's me.  Don't be sad, even though I'm "done with you," I'll love you always... notice there is no exclamation point after that last "Bye."  That makes it extra serious and poignant.

Bye! 

I Like Thrift Shops. Oh Well.

Here's the thing - as a pre-teen I would have done anything to look more like a woman (i.e. not scrawny).  Succeeding at being sexy meant boobs and filling out, neither of which happened for me until I left for college at 18.  

In junior high, the perceived popular girls were going through puberty while I was all bones and angles and stringy hair.  And bad taste, apparently. 

I remember I bought a size Medium sweater once and was so excited because it wasn't an X-Small.  And while I understood that being skinny was a fashionable ideal, from a sexual attraction standpoint it felt useless.  Boys didn't ask me out.  I only had a vague sense of superiority from it since I wasn't trying for it, and it wasn't until I crossed over to the dark side that I understood skinny girls were idealized for their self control.

The punch line here is obvious, but I'll spell it out anyway.  For so long all I wanted, more than anything in the world, was to look like a woman, and then when I finally did, all I wanted was to be a skinny little girl again.  And that's what it is for women, and it's shitty beyond shitty.  When we're girls we want to look older so we feel important and desired, then there are a couple years of being young and sexually attractive, but that's fraught with all its own issues, and then we start the awful march towards adulthood which we're taught to fight with all our might because we're only desirable when we're young.

In high-school, one of my teachers asked us if we would rather be a man or a woman.  I responded emphatically that I prefer to be a woman because we can give birth, and that trumps anything a man could do, period.  My friend said she would much rather be a man because "there's so much less to deal with and worry about."  Though I saw her point, I didn't agree at the time.  Ten years later, I'd reconsider. 

The Tyranny of the Tiny Tee

This is the sister entry to my Boobifesto.

So! Much! Righteous! Indignation!

post script - I covet that floral bustier hiding under the Brady Bunch knock off and Mom jeans.  

Everything in Montreal Costs Less in 1995

What does it mean that the only big city I was excited about was in Canada?

The line about ordering Burke's next meal had to do with a punishment my mom devised.  The rule went, if a family member was being mean or annoying or whatever, and you asked them politely to stop and they didn't, then you got to order their next meal.  She felt it was a good way to wrench control from the person who had it in a way that was satisfying for the person who didn't.  I was clearly pretty excited about it as evidenced by my * and smiley face. 

Also, I <3 you, journal!  Thanks for being such a good journal on The Great American Road Trip!  Well, C YA!  BUH - BYE!!  

Love,
Anni